Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.

-my cat.

Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.

*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”

My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80

When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

Check out the legs on this baby

“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.

When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”

Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.

I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.

Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

dril cadence

I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.

Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.

Him:

Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

2-year-old: Dad?

Me: What?

2: Are chickens real?

Me:

2:

Me: No one knows.

There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p

not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.

I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.

Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.

i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other

5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?

Me: Pay the bills.

5: Are you winning?

Me: No.