A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
![]()
![]()
![]()
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean