Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer

I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.

Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.

legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them

I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving

Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no

Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.

Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.

Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.

Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?

Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.

If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.

[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes

Note for writers:

If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.

My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard

But only one at a time because quarantine

Client – is your boss available

Receptionist – he’s currently una –

Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.

The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.

so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.

I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

Parents,

Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?

According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp

Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”