A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
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I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
That eye roll….
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Do one thing every day that scares people.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.
me refusing to leave twitter
