A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
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*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
can’t talk my ride’s here
They’re called werewolves.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
I am crying
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho