A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
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If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
🙂🐾
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Ha
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
I think the cat got the dog high.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.