A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
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Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Not today. 😅
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals