Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy

[4yrs later]

ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family

My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.

virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤

coronavirus: i got this

[later]

virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?

coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel

this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road

I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”

No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.

Airport: come like 3 hours early

Ok what gate do I go to

Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.

Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.

Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”

Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.

fair

Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.

Loan Officer: Proposed name?

WP: Hamwitches

[long pause]

LO: Hell yes.

Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?

“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”

– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine

health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water

snowman exchange student: (raises hand)

7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.

Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.

My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is

My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate

“Can I be honest with you?”

Me- no, thank you

My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.

imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush