Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am

People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.

If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read

Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was

Him: “Are you single?”

Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”

If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it

[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.

Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.

My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy

My 6yo showed me her Christmas gift list, so I told her it was great she’s giving Santa many options so he can choose what to get her and she said “What do you mean? It’s only 13 things I want”.

I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER

My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.

your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids

Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.

Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.

It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.

My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.

Happy Halloween 🎃

My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.

The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.

[Invention of the airplane]

Wilbur: We’re ready

Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working

Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?

Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go

a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet

My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down

Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.

If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow

I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.