A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas
You Might Also Like
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
thank god the sign was there
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
No one can handle that
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.