A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
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AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.