Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.

Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.

ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died

BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year

ME: yeah she’s a cat

[space launch]

ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem

ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned

ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems

Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.

Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name

remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you

There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.

Push and Pull.

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children

before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??

I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory

Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.

Saw this yesterday lol

“Damn girl, you look hot”

Really?

“Like a sexy little italian car”

DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

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-Librarians arguing

Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.

“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State

You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.

Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking

One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero

My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?

So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??