A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
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A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Noah
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!