Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

Son: the devil made me do it

Me: what did I say about that

Son: not to call my sister the devil

Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:

1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab

I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.

the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm

[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.

Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.

People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.

[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]

[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

an octopus is just a wet spider

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

Hunter Biden implies the existence of Gatherer Biden

[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what

Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.

Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!

I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.

wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*

Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.

Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
 
Him: don’t you mean desert?
 
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}

[Family game night]

Grandma: what are the rules?

Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head