A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
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I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
No point crayon over spilled milk.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.