A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
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Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
sin harder.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on