A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
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[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.