A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
You Might Also Like
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Ad placement of the day
#ooh
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile
Then walk into a wall
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
This hospital has everything
