A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
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I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
No I’m not feeling old when the first member of my son’s varsity football team from hs is getting married tonight.
Not feeling old AT ALL!
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower