Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
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[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
I have many caverns
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos