Being rude underwater is snarkeling
A little drunk. Playing scrabble with my cat. Not sure who’s winning cause he’s eaten most of his tiles.
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Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
a little too long, but basically a perfect tweet
honey the ppl of atlantis lost an entire city & thats like 2000x bigger than a baby so idk if all this yellin is necessary
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Before. b-e-f-o-r-e, not B4. We speak English, Not bingo…
*never calls toe again*
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.