A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
You Might Also Like
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
The first one, obviously
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.