A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
You Might Also Like
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.