A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
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I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.