A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
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How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
This hospital has everything
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
And we’re off! To an unreasonable start
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*