a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
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I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?