a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
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“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.
My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)