“A little help here, Danny?”
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FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked
Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order
Me: And I have some ideas
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.