“A little help here, Danny?”
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I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
🙋♀️
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.