A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
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Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
They did not think through this water fountain
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
My sister in law texted the family chain this morning “prime rib” completely out of the blue and not a single person has responded.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children