A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
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[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
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*puts phone down~me, doing cardio