Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet i could still be a stuntman

[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]

Okay maybe not

It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.

FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.

ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky

13: I found a baggie of pot.

M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.

I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.

Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”

mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?

Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them

Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…

I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.

2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe

*works out for 75 mins

*eats an entire batch of cookie dough

Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.

r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”

I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel

Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.

[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff

*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?

Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”

“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee

Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.

Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected