A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
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Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”