A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
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#DesignFail
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Still a very good boi….
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?