A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
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It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I might carry a baby with one hand.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions