A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
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If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.