A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
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I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
I just post them. I don’t explain them.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Look, when I invited you out for a drink I meant a milkshake with two straws, so don’t make it weird bro, I’m not gay
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os