A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
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I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
I love this❤️😁👍
I’m good, thanks.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.