A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
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We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
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My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
love it when they get my name right
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animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.