A little too much information.
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I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
scares
In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.