A little too much information.
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Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars