Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours

All of these stories about missing campers.

Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.

My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.

“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013

For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.

[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*

According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.

I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

8: but grandma let me

Me: well my mom is cooler than yours

i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines

Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty disappointed in them ever since though

Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old

Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire

Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?

i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue

(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like

I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too

If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.

Just go around me, man.

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…

..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die

Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree

nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in

It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”

My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.

So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.

Then we had a duet and my point was missed.

Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-

Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!

boss: oh God

Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!