Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I think we should start touching other people.”

-Blind couple breaking up.

[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?

Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.

“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.

My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.

As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.

My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.

Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.

I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing

Wife: What are you doing today?

Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter

W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???

M: Nah he can’t read

*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?

Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”

Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.

“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying

[brainstorming movie scripts]

writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-

stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress

I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.

When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”

Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger

Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity

if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell

My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me

John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?

Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.

I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.

I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.

🤨