A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
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*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.