Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*

H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?

Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.

[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]

Interested in both term and whole life insurances.

Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!

*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed

Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again

Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.

My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.

First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.

the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight

Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.

I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer

It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.

“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*

this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?

ME: Leave that to me.

[later, at dinner]

HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.

ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉

Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.

I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.

boss: why are you so late?

me: why are you so obsessed with me?

My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week

Florida be like…