A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
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Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.