Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?

me: no thanks i’m not hungry

I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.

One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.

You get what you got last time.

Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.

I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.

Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead

Bruh

My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.

My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.

Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.

Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.

do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit

What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool

Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.

Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.

Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill

Me: “Are you even listening to me?”

My son:

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.

I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.

ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows

Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am

Daughter-you awake?

Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?

Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.

When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.

Parents: Are you eating well at school?

Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*

*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”

If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.

– the lady in front of me

KID911: wats ur emergency

SON: sister is staring at me

KID911: did you tell her to stop

SON: yes! she isnt even blinking

KID911: omg ok take a deep breath

KID911: now scream for mom

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency

Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US

Dinosaur 911: is it the sun

Dinosaur: haha probably. bye