Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE

Him: Sometimes I worry about you.

Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.

No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.

~ whiskey

Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.

Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.

I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..

Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.

[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews

Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?

if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins

Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.

Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:

LINCOLN

Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”

I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.

I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.

It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.

911?

~He’s eating Top Ramen!

911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water

~NO! He’s eating it like soup!

911: That’s fucked up

~I KNOW RIGHT

Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?

Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.

*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them

11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”

The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.

I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen

office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance

God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.

*my husband

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.