Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.

HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?

ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.

put ‘er there pardner!

Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.

Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven

I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.

Cashier: And how are you today?

Me: Incandescent with rage. You?

[invention of spaghetti]

Inventor: i made them very long

Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?

Inventor: lol no why

Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.

BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.

Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.

Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?

No, the cars are much faster.

I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.

I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.

To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Scientist: No

Cop: How much science u do tonite?

Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]

Cop: Get out

my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”

Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you

Interview:

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

*I look at my watch then lean in*

How much time do you have?

Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.

My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”

Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now

please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.

Computer: [down]

Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket

“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig