A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
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you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
My whole life was a lie.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.