Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.

Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.

Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.

My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.

*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

[steps on scale]

Me *shrugs*: New year, more me

The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.

Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u

Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.

Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.

Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.

Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.

Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!

Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”

Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]

Possum: [pops up]

Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]

Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]

I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch

Honey I made you some hotdog water

[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*

8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head

Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.

“No way.” -Jose

chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing

Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.