a load-bearing bit among my friends came from a guy on the periphery who came to a party, walked outside where we were talking, and said “moon looks great tonight.” everyone agreed, went back to talking. upon a lull he said “speaking of the moon, i made the nasa website” 😂
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
He instantly became one of the bros
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
