a load-bearing bit among my friends came from a guy on the periphery who came to a party, walked outside where we were talking, and said “moon looks great tonight.” everyone agreed, went back to talking. upon a lull he said “speaking of the moon, i made the nasa website” 😂
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
