a load-bearing bit among my friends came from a guy on the periphery who came to a party, walked outside where we were talking, and said “moon looks great tonight.” everyone agreed, went back to talking. upon a lull he said “speaking of the moon, i made the nasa website” 😂
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Give us this day our daily internet validation
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
