Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot

When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence

Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy

I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee

I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.

Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification

The dark side of Canada

My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.

who decided to call it a “paternity test” instead of a “pop quiz?”

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.

So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …

When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?

That’s Bullshit.

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

*First day as a fire investigator*

Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down

Woman: Have you ruled out arson?

Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.

No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?

Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning

money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas

I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes