Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine

Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man

If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.

Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?

went fishing caught a bass

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is

Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.

Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for

Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.

The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.

God tier horse name today on the sims

just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”

My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?

The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.

Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.

Friend: Good for you for working out.

Me: I said I done squat today.

Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.

If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”

history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.

*Day 9 of quarantine*

Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?

ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me

20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf

Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag

Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?

Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.

Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?

Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.

Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good

ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave

LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*

I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.

feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.

Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?