A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
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The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
This isn’t going to end well for you.
– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.