A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
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She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”