Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-

ope

are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*

Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size

wife: is that danny devito

I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.

No weirdos.

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”

“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.

a group of ocelots is called an awfelot

if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.

Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.

~family owned restaurants.

A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”

me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air

everyone: [puts hands up]

me: [already mad with power] one hop this time

here we go again

Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”

“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

Movie idea:

A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.

inefficient if literal:

a dust bowl

[ brings ouija board to your grave ]

“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”

My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated

*wakes up in cremation oven*

[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]

My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.

6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.

Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down

This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….

Long story short….Send bail money…

you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.

I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead

One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life