A loan officer put a stack of his business cards on a shelf in the grocery store’s egg section.
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Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.