Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!

ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..

Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.

Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.

I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.

People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”

If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?

Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.

[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”

Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao

Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser

“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.

I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.

Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.

Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.

I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.

A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!

Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*

Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.

I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated

If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.

I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience