Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?

A: Because it waxes every month.

I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days

“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick

Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.

I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do

STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?

I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

Bonfire is French for “good fire.”

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.

[blind date]

Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS

Her: Hi, I’m Linda

Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*

HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.

Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.

It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.

-kids

[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!

I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.

Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.

Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*

cats when you pet them too long:

do mermaids get waxed or descaled

I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”