A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
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Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.