Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .

2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.

3rd Guy: I agree.

4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.

1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.

[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up

just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real

Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.

Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?

Me: imma stop you right there

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…

1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me

My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.

Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.

ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure

mary: i can’t believe i had to give birth in a barn this sucks. at least now i can rest

three old guys: heyyyyy

little boy playing the drums: whaddup

My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.

Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.

If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it

Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter

they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead

bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend

My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.

Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.

*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you

All I’m saying is, a loose grip on reality is better than no grip on reality.

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house

The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.

15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.

Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.

Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!