Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting

Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in

Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up

Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance

doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how to spell it

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.

Thuggalations: 17:28

I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house

[Preparing for a heist]

Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?

Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo

Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.

Thank you corporation very cool

My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*

My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*

The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦‍♂️🤷‍♂️

Me: ahahah say it again

The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers

Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot

The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:

Me: HAMBORGER LMAO

I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.

*plot twist*

plot: ouch!!!

If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth

The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.

Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.

For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store

taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six

As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word

I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.