Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”

Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”

And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.

WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real

Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.

Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.

Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.

Person: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls

P: You win weirdest problem of the day

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe

John Wick: contract killer

John Wink: lady killer 😉

*2 Knights on a Quest*

Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?

Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.

Elgon: Ha! They always say that!

Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?

Elgon:

Gawain: Elgon?

Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*

An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road

I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.

How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.

It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.

“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”

Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?

I love books.

How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.

Except when I’m moving to a new place.

Then I hate books.

I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.

Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.

“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing

It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.

Me: I made GORP for our hike

Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows

Me: yeah, in handy single servings

Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags

No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.

Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!

Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!

NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what