Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.

I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall

General: We need aerial support now!

Captain: *confused* I’m glad she had a happy ending, she deserved more than the ocean could give her sir!

There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.

REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying*

*By a massive crocodile

can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude

.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back

I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.

No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.

Nobody:

Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”

Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week

I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.

Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?

My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”

First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem

Happy Caturday!

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.

Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?

IAN: I broke my leg once

ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]

THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE

HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING

Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?

Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.

Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.