Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[therapy]

WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter

ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny

What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”

Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa

Adele: I set fire to Lorraine

Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone

Lorraine: Stop it

Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER

DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?

DOG: NO

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look

88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.

[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*

‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’

“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama

so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk

My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud

*opened popsicles

[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out

6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream

i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs

[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-

Romeo: LIFE

Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?

Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.

Me: Fair enough, Carl.

the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?

I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!

As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying

Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…

Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family

Interviewer: We offer great benefits.

Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?