Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war

I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?

Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.

Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”

Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”

Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.

Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.

[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol

we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes

[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*

The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.

Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?

If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.

My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE

sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?

This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.

Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.

If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.

Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear

i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch

Me: You take my breath away.

Pollen: lol

My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger

If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.

the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:

A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.

I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.

I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!

“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”

Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.

psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”

Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.