A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
You Might Also Like
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight
Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best