A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
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Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no