A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
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ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.