Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).

[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on

taking June’s advice to heart

Mom: Did you dye your hair?

* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *

How did you know?

When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.

Me: *calls child’s name*

…

Me: *calls child’s name*

…

Me: *opens candy wrapper*

Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!

It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.

Lol

I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.

From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*

If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.

7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?

me: i guess so

7: and because she likes books?

me: um…yeah

7: but at least she’s pretty right?

me: …let’s watch moana instead

[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]

My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”

Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?

Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.

Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?

[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]

sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang

smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!

Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

[summons genie]

genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes

me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote

genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works

Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145

If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:

1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”

They inhale deeply…

I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.

Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.

Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy

Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey

Me: Tonight?

Her: Yes

[After the movie]

Her: OMG that was so hot!

Me: Mom, please just stop talking