A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
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Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.