A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
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My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
I have written yet another poem about laundry
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity