A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
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If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
I’ve had worse
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you