A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
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[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go
