Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*

Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*

On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.

Went to get coffee for a coworker.

I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.

All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

Me: *taking an art appreciation class*

Instructor: Please bring my students back

When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him

I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.

I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.

*pronounces UPS like yoops

911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!

Spinach: *laughs maniacally*

I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.

It said..

FINAL NOTICE

your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go

Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.

“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”

-Mormon kids

No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.

Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……k

That’s how a good marriage works people.

therapy: $500

tattoo: $500 but cooler

quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to

My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.

Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”

If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.

My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner

In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.

I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.

Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.

can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets