A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man
Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them
But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities
he’s doing your taxes
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
marvel comics have peaked
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world
Smokey the bear: o hell no
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
