Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you

ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?

HER: Yes. Yes it is.

At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.

me: babe watch me flip this omelette!

her: cool

me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!

her: sick!!!

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?

me: no, there’s no oxygen

5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?

me: then yes

5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?

me: then no

5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?

me: is someone paying you to do this?

I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.

Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”

I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.

I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻‍♂️

Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?

[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now

Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.

His name was Frank

Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.

my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”

Your honor, may I approach the bench?

Judge: You may

*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*

The defense rests

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …

I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”

My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?

Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?

Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.

My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.

Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.

If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless

Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.

I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag

Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order

Never mess with a drunken pig.

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.