Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!

Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!

Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.

The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”

Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it

how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms

i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.

Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.

I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.

Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.

*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.

HR: Get out

My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!

ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie

son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?

in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened

We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups

This is my bus stop.

son: *counts to ten*

wife: good job

me: (smugly) eleven

My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning

Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen

R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?

Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye

My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅

me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.